Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
