there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
