No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
