You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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