oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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