i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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