whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
