I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
