yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
