How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm too high and old for this...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
