SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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