smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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