My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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