Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
