i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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