Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he was CRYING into my vagina
he fucked my hip out of place.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
