PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
