I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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