im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
