Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
We're too hungover to prance.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
