I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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