i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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