I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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