Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
