Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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