So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
