Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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