i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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