You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
