You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
