I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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