Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
