well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
