3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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