"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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