god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
