...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
