somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
