I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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