So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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