where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Let's paint friendship bongs
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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