dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize