i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
