do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
