MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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