Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
