He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
