My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
