True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
