I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
