If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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