I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
