So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
