So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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