first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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